The weight of it… from shame to comfort in Christ.

88

98

102

118

122

130

135

145

155

200

180

175

155

141

135

133

127

130

138

142

I can’t remember the purpose of the lesson, nor do I recall the teacher’s name. Maybe math, maybe science, maybe she tied it to the Bible somehow. What I do remember vividly is the shame. For some inexplicable reason (note my judgment as a current thoughtful educator), this student-teacher was in charge of a lesson and her opener was asking all of us to weigh ourselves and write our weight on the board. I was 8 years old and 88 lbs when I felt the shame of having the heaviest body in my third-grade class. The teacher weighed exactly 100 pounds and the whole class was impressed thinking that was both an incredible accomplishment and a very big number. I was the only girl that was close to her weight. The entire class was shocked and that’s the first time I felt the shame of a too-big body. "Wow, Eileen! You're almost as big as Ms. (so and so)!" That’s when my body issues began. That’s when pool days stopped being about swimming and fun, but about another activity that made it difficult to hide my body.

Oh, how I wish now I had talked to my parents about this. I hid my shame with my silence, but I gave power to negative thoughts and have spent my entire life coming to grips with my body, my relationship to food, my relationship with exercise, and my understanding of health. I have fallen prey to diet culture and have been chasing the illusion that “once I weigh a certain weight, then… “ Then what? I’ll be happy? I’ll be successful? I’ll be beautiful? I’ll be worthy?

So much time wasted planning outfits that hide body parts. So much energy wasted considering what to eat or what not to eat.

That list above? All those seemingly unrelated numbers? I’ve weighed all those weights and I distinctly remember reading those numbers on the scale and being overcome shame, and as I got older, anger and sadness also joined my shame in an ugly trio of mean girl comments and negative self-talk.

The shame has been the same no matter the number on the scale.

I have still thought the same self-deprecating thoughts whether I weighed 88lbs or 200 lbs.

Readers, I don't have any of this figured out yet nor do I

have words of wisdom. I do have an incredible desire to combat this fallacy. If weight is just a number, why does it have such incredible power?

I pray God helps me heal this unhealthy relationship with my body and with food, as well as help me fill my mind with Godly goals instead of worldly ambitions. I pray my daughters never experience this shame, and if they do, that they come to me for guidance and comfort.

I don’t want to spend my days considering what to eat or yearning to be thin. I don’t want to look back at my life and think I’ve spent most of my time thinking about my weight and my body.

Where do I start to transform my mind instead of my body? How can I nourish my spirit instead of glorifying my own body?

Romans 12, says:

“I appeal to you, therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

This verse is often used to explain how our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and therefore should be kept clean and worthy. It's so easy then to fall prey to dieting and exercising. How do I renew my mind? The truth is, I don’t. He does. In spending time in prayer and worship, and in filling my mind with His word, then He will bring the transformation.

I want a life of worship; worshipping Him. I want a mind focused on His will. I want to find comfort in God’s faithfulness.

The issue then is one of idolatry. An idol is anything or anyone who takes the place of God in our lives. I am so guilty of this one... from my husband to my kids, my profession, and even cleanliness. However, the weight of it is that my body has become my biggest and most obvious idol. In order to transform my mind, I need to abide in Him.

“But the anointing that you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need that anyone should teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about everything and is true, and is no lie—just as it has taught you, abide in him” 1 John 2:27

To be clear, health matters, just don't be like me and waste time and energy seeking the false hope that comes from dieting. Instead, abide in Him and like Mathew 6:33 says, "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

If you, like me, struggle with any of this, join me in prayer, and let’s seek His guidance instead of the next diet fad.